LSP53: Why the Practice of "No Right and No Wrong" Hurts Your Brain and Damages Your Empathy

The dispute began with this small saying posted over a photo: "Forgive people in your life, even those who are not sorry for their actions. Holding on to anger only hurts you, not them."

The first person to reply didn't want to talk about forgiveness or holding onto anger. He wanted to dismiss both of these important emotional and spiritual issues by playing the trump card of "non-judgment." So he said, "I would suggest that learning and practising NON-judgement would eliminate any and all need for forgiveness and lead to a more loving and peaceful world."

His definition of "non-judgment," as revealed by a later comment, is this: "These days, I tend to ask myself just one question about any event that I see - 'Would I like to see that in my autobiography.' NO judgement of 'right' or 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad'. It just IS and it is up to me to decide how to respond - or not respond."

A forgiving brain reminds me of this modified photo of the Lady Chapel ceiling at Westminster Abbey, London, England. Forgiveness is strong and orderly, but also organic, layered, and subtly interconnected. Photo credit JAT 2023.

He was not all pleased with my first response to him, which went like this: "It's true that those who practise non-judgment see no need for forgiveness. It's also true that those who practise non-judgment believe firmly that this will lead to a more loving and peaceful world. However, there's no evidence that non-judgment actually creates what it claims to create. What it seems to create is rampant narcissism, self-entitlement, morality that's "convenient" and changeable depending on the circumstances, and a diminished sense of personal responsibility."

Among other things he said to me, he demanded backing for my comments. So although it's unlikely anything I offer in the way of research will interest him, I decided this would be a good time to talk about why the current practice of non-judgment (as defined above) is harmful to the brain and why it leads to widespread narcissism, self-entitlement, fluid morality, and a diminished sense of personal responsibility.

First, I'd like to make it super, ultra-clear that when I'm talking about the practice of non-judgment, I'm not in any rejecting the practice of trying to see your fellow human beings through the loving eyes and ears of kindness, compassion, inclusiveness, and equality before God. Obviously, it's a good thing to try to see the best in everyone. And, obviously, it's a good thing to help others on the difficult and confusing journey of trying to be the best self one can be as a human being.

The spiritual practice of non-judgment, wherein nothing is deemed to be either "right or wrong," "good or bad," is the specific practice I'm objecting to. According to this belief system, things just "are," and you're not supposed to have an opinion about them one way or the way. 

In other words, it's okay for you to reject conventional codes of morality, codes that boil down to the idea of consequences for your choices. In the non-judgment belief system, you may decide that a particular choice isn't a good one for you -- for example, you may decide not to copy the choices of Las Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock -- but you're really not supposed to have an opinion one way or the other on what Paddock did. As teachers such as Neale Donald Walsch and Eckhart Tolle would have it, Paddock was following a false mental construction or offering resistance to life. No one who has accepted the teachings of non-judgment would want to do such a violent, unloving thing, say these teachers. But now that he's done it, there's no need to forgive Paddock, because in order to forgive him, you'd first have to decide his actions were immoral. And that would be a judgment. A judgment with consequences.

So yes . . . it makes perfect sense within the non-judgment belief system to say that forgiveness isn't needed. But when you understand what forgiveness really is -- a free will choice to override conditioned responses such as revenge, anger, hatred, rumination, and ongoing emotional stress in the face of harm -- you realize that people who've learned how to forgive are the real agents of love and peace in the world. They're the ones who aren't afraid to turn the brain's many tit-for-tat lemons into healing lemonade.

Learning how to forgive isn't quick or easy, but, in the hope that a bit of background information about the brain may help some readers, I offer the following simple map of what's going on inside your head as you pursue your spiritual journey.

To start with, it's good to know that the human brain is a vast assortment of neurons and glial cells and networks of connectivity and neurotransmitters and so on, with current estimates of the total number of neurons now standing at 86 billion accompanied by about an equal number of glial cells.

For many decades in the twentieth century, the belief that the adult brain couldn't grow new neurons was scientific dogma -- and vigorously defended dogma, at that. Despite some early evidence to the contrary, it wasn't until the late 1990's that researcher Elizabeth Gould (who worked with marmosets) was able to convincingly overturn this longstanding tenet of neuroscience. Today, a mere 20 years later, no reputable researcher would deny the brain's remarkable ability to reshape itself by building new neurons, building new networks, and dismantling cells and connections that are no longer needed. The umbrella term for the process of growing new neurons is called neurogenesis; the malleability of brain connections is called neuroplasticity.

The important point here is that until doctors and other medical professionals began to understand the full potential of neuroplasticity, many of them based their practical care decisions on false beliefs about the brain. Patients who could have benefited from care regimens designed to encourage the brain to repair itself were instead being told nothing could be done. Patients in need of neurological help didn't receive the therapy they needed, not because of a lack of care and concern but because of a lack of proper understanding of how the biological brain actually works.

The same thing has been happening in spiritual and religious circles. Certain beliefs and spiritual practices are being recommended in the well-intentioned belief that such practices will help people create a more loving and peaceful world. But if these practices interfere at a biological level with the brain's ability to exhibit traits such as empathy, altruism, gratitude, forgiveness, trust, love, and sense of meaning, then we need to be honest about these practices and revisit their usefulness for those who seek healing relationships with themselves, each other, and God.

Fascinating new research supported by the use of brain scanning technologies has revealed that the brain contains multiple networks -- like highly specific paths or roadways -- that connect certain regions of the brain to produce specific human traits. New networks are being suggested and theorized about all the time, so it's not possible for me to include a comprehensive list, but we now have data to point to the default mode network; the interoception network; the salience network; and the theory of mind network, to name a few. Networks aren't separate from each other and they tend to overlap at certain key "hubs." But without these networks, we wouldn't be able to process, regulate, and put into action the complex thoughts, emotions, memories, skills, and perceptions that make us human in a broad sense and also in a unique individual sense.

The brain's networks are so complex that there's always a struggle to keep them in balance. Sometimes an area of the brain is overactive (which affects any networks the area is connected to) and sometimes an area is underactive (which also affects any relevant networks). In addition, entire networks can become dysfunctional, which can become quite serious from a medical point of view because of demonstrated links to specific neurological and psychiatric disorders. The dorsomedial default network, for example, which is supposed to help the brain regulate pain perception, self-knowledge, empathy, and person perception (among other traits) is implicated in a number of major disorders when the links in the network become damaged or are shown to be metabolically overactive or underactive.

In other words, when networks are working in balanced and healthy ways, we can expect to see outward signs of that inner healthy balance. When a person's dorsomedial default network isn't suffering from the insults of illness or injury or genetic factors, for instance, there's less chance that we'll see a person who lacks empathy for others, appropriate responses to pain, and significant social and communication abnormalities. But with damage to this network can come suffering. Depression, autism, schizophrenia, and obsessive compulsive disorder have all been linked in various ways and in varying degrees to dysfunctions in this network.

And then there's the brain network involved in making moral decisions. Yes, I'm afraid to say there really is such a thing. This network, which uses the temporal-parietal junction, the medial prefrontal cortex, and the middle temporal gyrus (as well as a few other regions), uses brain areas similar to those involved in both theory of mind and empathy. The health and the interconnectivity of these brain areas determines your ability to make moral decisions; your ability to empathize with others (an emotional trait); and your ability to process the more abstract and cognitive aspects of social skills (theory of mind) -- all three at one time. These three important aspects of humanity are interconnected and, despite what you've been told by certain spiritual teachers, can't be biologically disconnected from each other. Nor should you want them to be. These traits reinforce each other and lead to wise decisions that balance both your emotional reasoning skills and your cognitive reasoning skills. It's win-win when you balance your heart and your mind.

If, on the other hand, you train your brain through the practice of non-judgment to ignore your natural, built-in, hard-wired ability to make moral decisions, you'll be rewiring your brain. (It's the use-it-or-lose-it aspect of neuroplasticity, which allows you to change your brain architecture over time through the repeated application of certain free will thoughts and practices.) Unfortunately, this will also impair your brain's ability to feel empathy and your ability to process the healthy cognitive aspects of your relationships, since both of these traits rely on the brain networks that create moral reasoning -- the connections you just intentionally hacked to bits. Lack of moral reasoning and lack of empathy go hand in hand. And it should go without saying that a person who has lost the ability to feel emotional empathy for others (as opposed to cognitive empathy) behaves in narcissistic, self-entitled ways, and struggles to overcome his or her own emotional egocentrism.

And, for those who still don't believe forgiveness is necessary, the neuroscientific evidence gets worse. Several recent papers on the neuroscientific basis for forgiveness reveal that granting forgiveness activates the same brain areas as moral cognition, empathy, and theory of mind social reasoning. In addition, there's evidence that the practices of gratitude and altruism, with their links to moral choices and actions, also use some of the same brain areas.

Like the unfolding of individual blossoms on a single orchid stem, the brain's ability to manifest certain soul-based traits such as morality, empathy, and forgiveness depends on a small number brain regions that are linked to each other and produce these traits in sequence. Photo credit JAT 2022.

So there's no getting out of it. You're born with a brain that comes with its own internal software packages for morality, empathy, social cognition, forgiveness, gratitude, and altruism, all of which are biologically intertwined and all of which help you be the most loving person you can be as a human. The trick to not losing any of these desperately needed traits is to treat them as a "package deal." Each time you practice one of these spiritual skills -- which means you're activating and strengthening the links between specific brain areas -- you make it easier for your brain to navigate the other skills in the package.

It's the package as a whole that gives us the tools we need to bring love and peace into the world. So do your spiritual brain a favour. Strengthen the best attributes of your brain so you can go out there and make a difference in the world. Learn from the mistakes made by people such as Stephen Paddock, find the courage to forgive them, and then take the time to teach yourself and others how to be the person you really want to be.

You'll be surprised at what you can do when you learn to use your brain wisely.

LSP52: The Twelve Days of Faith

It's often suggested in our culture today that religion and faith have little relevance and don't contribute much to our lives.

Well, if you believe it's not important to have a healthy brain, then I suppose you're right to pour contempt on those who can feel God's presence in their lives. But there's a cost to scorning faith, as so many today are discovering.

If you want to have a life filled with love and meaning and purpose, you need a healthy, balanced brain. And in order to have a healthy, balanced brain, you need faith.

Faith -- which I'm defining as a relationship with God that endures in the absence of sacred texts -- is nothing like the superstitious mumbo jumbo decried by those who have never felt faith. Faith is a deeply enriching emotional experience that adds clarity, common sense, patience, and humour to our otherwise confusing human lives.

Faith changes the brain. It calls on the brain to wire itself in ways that promote the best and most mysterious aspects of human existence, aspects such as empathy, creativity, openness to change, and the quest for meaning -- in other words, what we call the "heart." Faith tells your brain you want to be in relationship with God and all Creation. This in turn prompts your brain to spend time, energy, and biological resources on the task of building the networks that let you feel these life-changing connections. 

As it turns out, these are the same brain networks you depend on for feeling good not only about God but about yourself and other people in your life. Same brain, same networks, same feelings of empathy and love. Jesus has said to me, "Love is love is love." This seems to me an apt way to understand how the brain actually processes the remarkable experience of agape -- the selfless and transformative love we feel when we set aside our fear and narcissism and choose relationship with God instead. It's all intertwined in certain brain networks that we can't separate no matter how much we'd like to. You can certainly try to separate them -- many people have been sure they can overcome the brain's natural Dual Process blueprint through the application of logic alone -- but you'll eventually start to feel dissociated from your own empathy and sense of meaning (if you can even tap into your heart at all).

Herewith is my updated version of the well-known (but sometimes not so well-loved) Christmas carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas." It's all about the ways in which faith can give you a lasting set of gifts -- not on the outside but on the inside, where nobody can take them away from you. These gifts of faith are all part of the brain package you need if you want to be able to love God and love your neighbour with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all your courage. Please sing along if the spirit strikes you!

The Twelve Days of Faith
(presented in reverse order to minimize the torture):

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true faith gave to me:
Twelve shades of Meaning
Eleven kinds of healing
Ten ways o'giving
Nine ways o'learning
Eight ways o'hearing
Seven tales a'reading
Six songs a'singing
True Empathy
Four mysteries
Three deep dreams
Two hugs from God
And a Heart and a way to be.

May God bless you and may God's loving presence light your way this day and always.

LSP49: Humanity's Search for Meaning in the 2016 U.S. Election

This post has gone through a lot of changes since I wrote it just after the 2016 U.S. elections. Sometimes I edit my posts when I find typos or a lack of clarity. But this post is different. I wrote it about a particular U.S. political leader, a leader who rapidly used his position to become less and less the person I hoped he might be, and more and more the sort of person I can't support. 

As time went on, it became clear that what I originally wrote here no longer applied. I wondered what to do about this post. I thought about deleting the whole thing. But then I decided to use all the changes as a reminder that's it's okay for spiritual people to pay attention to what's going on in the world and to have opinions about political events. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's essential for spiritual people to notice when leaders are sowing seeds hatred instead of courage. So now this post is a series of thoughts that are in reverse order, starting with my most recent impressions and working backwards to January 2021.

 

In 2021, after I moved into a new home, I discovered this plaster plaque had snapped in half during the moving process. I reminds me of what happens inside the brain of a person who has abandoned his or her own conscience. Angels stop gathering with you. Angels have free will, and although they always love you and forgive you, they aren't obliged to help you if you're voting for world leaders who know only Hatred. Photo credit JAT 2021.

Addendum March 1, 2025:  I wrote this short piece for an online forum. It expresses how I'm feeling about the current U.S. political swamp, so I'm adding it to this post. For context, I'm writing about the disastrous Oval Office meeting that took place between Trump 2.0, Vice-President Vance, and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy on February 28, 2025.

So yesterday afternoon, I decided it would be nice to lie down on my sofa and have a bit of a rest after lunch. The sun was peeking out after a long, heavy, winter rain, and I thought, "Yes, it can't hurt to have a nap."

And while I was sleeping, Trump and Vance decided it was a good time to try to wreck the whole world.

I'm tired of hearing Trump say he wants the war in Ukraine to end because "millions of people are dying." If he cared at all about the lives of regular people, he wouldn't have chosen the dogs of hellfire to be his closest advisors.

The lies, the hypocrisy, the projection onto others of all his own venom -- these are the traits of a human being who has given up any semblance of decency, compassion, courage, and self-awareness.

Some commentators have suggested it would have been better if the conversation between Zelenskyy, Trump, and Vance had taken place behind closed doors. I disagree. Bullies, narcissists, and psychopaths adore secrecy, because secrecy allows them to deny they ever violated anyone.

Because it was all caught on film, individuals can now decide for themselves what they saw, what they learned, and what side of the debate they resonate with. Regardless of what one believed the day before yesterday about these three men, there's no unseeing the real intents that emerged in the Oval Office yesterday.

It's better that we know and keep remembering what we all saw (even though it's triggering for far too many people).

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Addendum posted November 2, 2024: Today, I'm doing something I've never done before. I've decided to delete the entire post I originally wrote on November 11, 2016. I'm deleting it because the election campaign of 2024 has taught me that vehement supporters of Donald Trump are willing to embrace any lies he tells them. These supporters have abandoned their own conscience and their own inner voice. They've decided they shouldn't have to take personal responsibility for their own choices. Many seem happy to follow any conspiracy theory rather than do the hard work of finding meaning through the Soul's courage.

If I leave the original post intact, it will be misused. And those who want to misuse it will get away with it because far-right Trump supporters aren't interested in the moral code taught by Jesus. They're trying to grow a very different kind of religious tree, one rooted in purity, piety, and perfection. They believe the glorification of Trump will bring about some sort of utopian restoration. They believe all their lies and all their violent, misogynistic rhetoric are justified because their goal is so worthy.

They are wrong.

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Addendum posted January 3, 2024: Because of recent changes in how individuals tend to read online posts and use -- or rather, misuse -- posts (by taking bits and pieces out of context and using catchy phrases to support their personal crusades), I want to say right up front, before you get to the paragraphs I wrote in November 2016, that I do not support former President Donald Trump in any way on any topic. Nor am I likely to ever change my mind. He is a coward -- a bullying, narcissistic, selfish coward.

In 2016, I didn't have the evidence to support or condone a flat out, across the board denunciation of the personality and policies of Donald Trump. But since the January 6, 2021 violence on Capitol Hill, Trump has, through his own words and actions, provided abundant proof about the kind of man he really is. Today, I wouldn't vote for him if he were the last person in Christendom.

Following this addendum is the post I originally wrote over seven years ago. You can decide for yourself whether Trump believes he's been elevated to the status of God.

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Addendum posted January 13. 2021: It's been a bit over 4 years since I wrote this post, and, during this time, a lot has changed. The entire world has been dealing with the unexpected travails of the novel coronavirus we call COVID-19. And the United States has again struggled with an election where a man named Donald Trump has forced a debate about the soul.

I'm writing this addendum on the day the U.S. House of Representatives is going to vote on a motion to impeach Trump for inciting insurrection. I hope the vote succeeds.

Over the past four years, Trump has shown with increasing clarity that he has no courage. He doesn't have the courage to listen to his own soul, let alone the souls of millions of Americans who needed a courageous leader during the 2020 pandemic, but instead found themselves saddled with someone who could only think about his own loss of Happiness when he lost the fall election.

On the plus side, people from both the Democratic and Republican parties have been appalled by the barrage of lies spewed by Trump and his closest supporters, lies that directly incited violence on Capitol Hill on January 6, 2021. America has been forced to see the ugly side of rhetoric, personality cults, and dualistic political mongering -- all negative aspects of System 2 when left unchecked by System 1.

It's a lesson we all should have learned from 20th century history, but apparently we needed a refresher. 

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LSP22: Problems with Eternea.Org

Yesterday I visited the website (www.eternea.org) listed in the back of Eben Alexander's book Proof of Heaven and was again disappointed. It wasn't the first time. I signed up to be an Eternea member on February 2, 2013 so I could read forum posts on the message boards and also reply to them. Alas, there's no longer any point in signing up to be a "regular Joe Public" member of Eternea. Such members don't seem welcome.

 

At some point over the past few years (I'm not sure exactly when), the Eternea.org website was totally revamped. The original message board I complain about here was removed. In addition, the original Seven Statements were expanded to include Fifteen Elaborations (because apparently seven statements weren't enough). Eternea is now a non-profit group, and part of its mission statement says, "Eternea endorses a scientific approach to the study of spiritually transformative experiences and survival of consciousness after bodily death, as well as the relationship between consciousness and physical matter with special emphasis on torsion physics." Eternea appears to be trying to build yet another of humanity's failed Gnostic bridges to "Source," but it's not a bridge I recognize or recommend. As always, I suggest you learn to trust your own instincts about such teachings. Photo credit JAT 2021.

From the beginning, the Eternea forums were difficult to use because they were so heavily moderated. You'd post a comment, then wait for several days to see whether or not the moderator would approve it. Meanwhile, your comment wouldn't be visible to anyone but yourself. This made it difficult to carry on a dialogue or conversation with other members.

For months now, it's been rare to see a new comment appear on any of the Eternea forum threads. I tried starting a new thread on the Religion, Spirituality and Beliefs forum on April 13, 2014. As far as I can tell, it was never approved. (At least, I think it was never approved -- the way the message board is designed makes it awkward and confusing to figure out which of your own posts have been approved.)

So what's going on here? Why are there so few new comments? I doubt it's from a lack of interest among regular people. I think regular people want to talk about their unusual spiritual experiences. I think regular people want to share their stories with other people (without fearing their personal stories will be co-opted for Eben Alexander's next book projects). I think people want a safe place where they can talk about God and the soul and the afterlife without being laughed at, rejected, or treated as mentally defective.

Unfortunately, the Eternea site is not that safe place.

Dr. Alexander has a new book coming out in October 2014. It's called The Map of Heaven, and although I can't tell you anything about it (because it hasn't been released yet), it seems that in this book Dr. Alexander "shares some of the stories that . . . people have told him."

Well, I'm curious about that. I'm curious about the fact that when you go to Dr. Alexander's own website (www.ebenalexander.com) and click on "Stories of the Eternal: Share Your Story," you don't get to read stories left by other readers. You get to read this disclaimer:

"You understand that by submitting this letter/story it may be used on the website and in other media projects including books related to Dr. Alexander's work without restriction.  However, your email address will not appear.  Select 'No' if this is a private message."

For the record, I submitted a personal letter to Dr. Alexander via his lifebeyonddeath.net website on October 24, 2012. I sent him one personal snail-mail letter (addressed to Eternea's Deerfield Beach, Florida address) on November 14, 2012. I also submitted a "spiritually transformative experience report" to Eternea on November 6, 2012. In all these communications, I indicated that I'm a practising mystic who has a continuing and voluntary experience of connection with God in what Dr. Alexander calls "the Core." I expressed my willingness to share more about my ongoing experiences as part of the wider project of investigating consciousness and the soul. I've never heard back from anyone affiliated with Dr. Alexander or Eternea.

Fortunately, I keep records of all my communications, so I know exactly what I said to Dr. Alexander and Eternea. I told him I have scientific insights into the voluntary mystical state that allows one to connect with God and Divine Love on an ongoing basis. Yet, because I've had no reply, I've sadly come to the conclusion that the information I can offer isn't of interest to him or his team of researchers.

My personal story doesn't line up perfectly with Dr. Alexander's conclusions. In fact, I disagree with him on a number of major points he's raised. However, this kind of disagreement doesn't usually stop researchers from engaging in debate and ethical criticism. In fact, it's this kind of disagreement that usually leads to greater insights and stronger research.

Eben, you'll have to decide for yourself about the path you're following. Please take the time to recall that Divine Love doesn't insist you always be right. Instead, Divine Love calls upon you to be honest about your human limitations and to find the courage to admit it when you discover you've made a mistake. There's no shame in making mistakes. But there's lots of suffering in the attempt to cover them up.

Blessings,
Jen

The Eternea oganization seems to have fallen into the tragic cycle of planting a crop of hope and then failing to nurture it appropriately. Come on, people. Smarten up! There's no way in hell you're ever going to have all the answers, so stop pretending you're the only gateway to God's truth. We've all been through the perils of over-zealous gatekeeping many times over. It doesn't work! Swallow your pride, forgive yourselves, and move on. 

 

For Further Reflection:

I think it's very helpful for those on a spiritual journey to read widely about the transformative experiences of others. Sometimes we're encouraged by spiritual leaders to stop reading from "mundane" sources; that is, books and articles not specifically focused on spirituality and the Divine. We're led to believe we've risen above these mundane sources. But if every person on the planet is a child of God (whether he or she knows it), there's always the potential for people to contribute in meaningful ways to the growth of healing and Peace, with or without their direct knowledge of God.

Every tale of courage and loving commitment is important, because inspiring stories resonate with our souls and remind us who we can really be. We all learn a lot from each other's struggles. Just knowing that one other person has navigated the same difficult situation you're facing and has come out okay is a source of encouragement. Sharing and learning from our painful experiences brings us face to face with our own Hearts. In doing so, we begin to be able to see the face of God.

It's all in the pain, you see. You've been told by every major religion that pain is a sign of unworthiness, inferiority, karmic recycling, Divine punishment, and the like. The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, for instance, begin with the statement that life is dukkha (suffering). Pain is considered the opposite of salvation and enlightenment and pure Divine Love. Pain is the thing religion is supposed to rescue you from.

Absolutely nobody tells you that God the Mother and God the Father know more about pain than any of the rest of us will ever know.

One of the hardest things for angels to understand is the pain caused by Oneness. As angels, we belong to a vast Divine Family where we share a common morality (a morality of boundaries) and a common sense of devotion to each other (Divine Love), but in other respects we're very different from each other. The roots of our Mother and Father's loving relationship have grown a garden in Creation where untold diversity is possible. If you think the breathtaking variation of evolutionary life on Planet Earth blows your mind, you should see the indescribable breadth of colours and shapes and sizes and talents of the angels in God's universe!

Because God's universe is radically egalitarian -- because each unique soul is equally loved -- angels are all on different learning paths. We're not required to learn the same things in the same way at the same time. At some points in our growth, we'll need to receive more help than we give, and at other points, we'll give more help than we receive. It's organic. It's a blend of order and chaos. It's changeable. And sometimes it even hurts. But there's no obstacle and no pain that can't be transformed into something infinitely mysterious and beautiful by the courage of Divine Love. The Heart is the place deep within the self where this transformation takes place.

Angels live and breathe this kind of heart-based learning. So when Mother Father God try to explain to us that long, long ago and far, far away the universe was structured according to the mind-based principles of Oneness, we can't understand a word they're saying.

So some of us come here to Planet Earth to check it out.

It's important to note that Oneness and belonging aren't the same thing. As psychologist Abraham Maslow noted, one of the core human needs is a sense of love and belonging. We all need it. And when we don't get it -- when we don't have the sense of being warmly and sincerely accepted within our group despite our quirks and lack of perfection -- we feel disheartened, discouraged, and depressed. If we're using our Hearts (rather than just our Minds), we feel similarly depressed when painful things happen to our friends and family. Because we love, we share in the pain of those we cherish. Because we love, the journey toward healing, repair, and Peace is communal -- and sometimes painful. This is what Empathy means.

As the early seventeenth century English poet John Donne wrote, “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.”

Oneness isn't a state of belonging. It's a state of control -- control over pain. It's an attempt to use pure logic, law, and knowledge to transcend all sources of pain and replace them with happiness.

It sounds absolutely wonderful at first, doesn't it? And because it sounds like the perfect pathway to Peace, millions and millions of people have tried to make Oneness work.

Here's why it doesn't work. It doesn't work because Oneness focuses on equality of outcomes instead of equality of relationships. The final goal -- "everyone is now happy" -- is considered far more important than any of the methods used to get to the goal. So relationships are discarded as those who are faster, smarter, and stronger take over the process to speed it up for everyone else. Those who are faster, smarter, and stronger consider themselves saviours, not tyrants. But before long, they start to believe that those who are slower, less smart, and weaker are inferior and farther down the ladder of perfection. Hierarchies develop. Then, before you can say Kim Jong-un, you have a despotic leader at the very top of the hierarchy who believes he's been divinely chosen to bring happiness to all his citizens by forcing every single one of them to believe what he believes, to learn things in the way he learns things, and to be happy in the way he defines happiness.

One of the great gifts of democracy (when it's done halfway right) is that individual citizens have the right to choose how they will handle pain and how they will approach happiness. This is a blessing that few of us recognize or appreciate. But without it, we become nothing more than the numbered drones in any of the dystopian science fiction novels and films that capture the terror of Oneness so well.

God thinks your story and your journey are uniquely important, and you should, too.

So be part of your community. But always remember to be your own self, too.

Don't let anyone else steal your right to heal your pain in the way that works best for you. Just don't steal anyone else's right while you're at it.