LSP46: Don't Know God from Adam

Adam: So God, I was thinking.  I've decided I should become a more spiritual person, so I thought maybe you could give me some tips.  Nothing biblical, of course.  I'm thinking of something more modern.  I'm thinking . . . oh . . . maybe something with a bit of a Jesus feel to it.  Jesus seems to fly well with just about everybody. You know, all that love and forgiveness stuff.  How about it?  Any suggestions for how I can be more like Jesus?  I'd really love everybody to love me.  The way they love Jesus.

God:  Hmmm.  Interesting choice, son.

Adam, shrugging:  Hey, it's, like, just a little something I dreamed up.

God:  Well . . . it's certainly doable, son.  How would you like to start?

Adam:  I'm very big on the idea of respect, so we should start with that.

God:  Oh.  You'd like to know how to respect me?

Photo JAT 2015

Adam, chuckling:  Of course not.  You have such a sense of humour, God.  No, I was thinking it's important for me to state what I need.  That way, the boundaries will be clear, and there'll be no misunderstandings between us.

God:  I see.  That's not the way Jesus started his conversation with me, but go on.  Let's see where this takes us.

Adam:  Great.  Just so we're clear . . . you and I are equal partners in this, okay?  I mean, I don't even have to be doing this.  I could just carry on with the life I've been living.  I'm pretty impressed with the choices I've been making so far, and other people have told me how great I'm doing, so this spiritual stuff -- it's an add-on.  If I don't like something, I'm gonna say so and I'm gonna stop right then and there.  That's my bottom line.

God:  You have free will, son.  I give that to everybody.

Adam:  Another thing.  You're going to guarantee me the results I want, right?  You're going to make sure I'm even more popular and successful, right?

God:  You know Jesus was hated by the people he loved, don't you, son?  You know he pushed all their buttons?

Adam:  Yeah, yeah, the crucifixion thing.  But that was before we got smarter and more accepting of others in our culture.  That wouldn't happen today.  We wouldn't let it.  Today we know the difference between love and hate.

God:  You know the difference between status and lack of status.  I'm not sure it's the same thing, son.

Adam:  So back to the Jesus plan.  How do I start being more like Jesus?

God:  Well, I need a lot of help getting practical things from the people who have them to the people who need them.  Do you think you might be able to help with that?

Adam:  You mean I should write a cheque to a charity?  I might be able to squeeze out a few bucks for you.

God:  Actually, I was thinking about a young man who lives in your community and could use a kind word, an encouraging smile, and a fair chance at getting a job.  You're going to cross paths with him on Monday at 5:00 p.m.  Think you can help me with that?

Adam, checking schedule on phone:  Uh, well, sorry, but Monday isn't good for me.  I have to be at the gym by then.  Another day would be better for me.  What's Friday like for you?  I can squeeze in some time at 7:30 p.m..

God:  Shouldn't you be home with your children at 7:30 p.m.?  I'm just wondering, since Jesus placed an extremely high priority on the emotional needs of children, and if you were to spend time in the evenings with your children, it would be a great first step.

Adam:  No problem.  I always give them a kiss when I get home, and during the day I sometimes text them.

God:  You know, Jesus was pretty keen on the idea of visiting people in person.  He did his teaching and healing in person, even though he could have written long sermons and sent them out by messenger the way other teachers did.  Think you could be more of a hands-on guy?

Adam:  Interesting thought, God.  Interesting thought.  I don't think it's really my style.  Thanks for the suggestion, though.

God:  Your children have free will, too, Adam.

Adam:  Hey, don't tell me how to raise my children, God. Next you'll be telling me I should say out loud I believe in God.  Nope.  I draw the line at saying -- or even thinking -- I believe in you.  It ain't gonna happen, God.  That's one of my ground rules.

God:  So . . . . to be clear . . . you want to be like Jesus, who believed in me with every shred of his being  . . . but you don't think you should have to believe in anything beyond yourself?

Adam:  You got that straight.  I know my rights.

God:  Okay, son.  Well, I think I'll be on my way now.

Adam:  Wait!  I'm not finished!  If this is going to work between us, I expect you to listen!  You're supposed to help me when I ask for help!

God:   . . . .(offstage whisper) Where's my copy of Horton Hears a Who?  Anyone see my copy?  Jesus, you borrow it again?  Never a copy around when I need one.  The kids love it  . . . (smiling) . . .

Adam:  See?  Just what I thought!  All talk, no commitment.  Where are you, God? What kind of God are you, anyway?